


Anger Management

by Espereth



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Community: asscreedkinkmeme, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 19:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/870959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Espereth/pseuds/Espereth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of Asscreed characters are mysteriously transported to an Anger Management class.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anger Management

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted on the kinkmeme: http://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/856.html?thread=6349912#cmt6349912

ALTAIR, formerly a master Assassin, recently demoted to the rank of Novice  
MALIK, a high-ranking Assassin, Dai of Jerusalem  
EZIO, a Florentine currently residing in Venice, recently initiated into the Assassin order  
LEONARDO DA VINCI, engineer, artist and inventor, with studios in Venice  
TEODORA, an Assassin, Madam of La Rosa Della Virtu in Venice  
LUCY and DESMOND, modern Assassins

A bland functional room, no windows, carpeted, with motivational posters on the walls. Seven chairs are arranged in a circle around an empty cardboard box. 

TEODORA is seated, her face serene, eyes closed. LUCY and DESMOND enter together. TEODORA stands. 

TEODORA: Welcome, friends. I know this is confusing - 

DESMOND: Story of my life, Sister. Don't worry about it.

TEODORA: - but I assume you have been briefed, as I was?

LUCY: I still don't understand why I'm here. I don't have an anger problem, and I have a ton of work to do -

TEODORA: *she holds up a hand to silence LUCY* Be that as it may, the Brotherhood has brought us together for a reason, sorella. We must make the best of it, and treat this as a mission - as important as any other.

LUCY: Okay, fine. But can we please make it as quick as possible? I really do have to work.

ALTAIR and MALIK enter, both fuming; upon seeing the room occupied they fall abruptly silent as though caught in the middle of an argument. ALTAIR glares at the carpet. MALIK looks at the gathered members of the Brotherhood and sighs.

DESMOND: Good to see you too, guys.

EZIO enters, followed by LEONARDO DA VINCI. EZIO scans the room with a half-smile, eyes lingering first on LUCY, then on TEODORA.

EZIO: Ladies.

DESMOND: Hey Leonardo. What are you doing here? You always seemed so chilled.

LEONARDO: I do not know. Perhaps your Brotherhood thought I could help Ezio in some way. 

DESMOND: Like, relieve some of his tension?

LUCY: Desmond.

DESMOND: No, I'm serious.

Teodora raises her hands, drawing the attention of the gathered Assassins. 

Teodora: Your weapons, Brothers. Please surrender them before we begin.

MALIK: Why are you looking at me - what are you assuming?

TEODORA: Nothing at all, my friend. 

MALIK: Do you know how long it took me to get through airport security this morning? 

ALTAIR: Here we go.

MALIK: Five hours I had to wait. 

DESMOND: That happened to everyone, Malik. It's not always about you.

ALTAIR nods at DESMOND in acknowledgement.

EZIO: *Smirking* I got stripsearched.

DESMOND: Figures the only hot airport security chick in the history of the known universe would be assigned to his gate!

EZIO: *He pats DESMOND sympathetically on the shoulder.* Never mind, little discendente. Maybe you can relive it some day, si?

DESMOND shakes him off.

The ASSASSINS unload their weapons. MALIK, after divesting himself of various blades in sheaths concealed under his robes, holds out his wrist absently. With motions that are clearly automatic to him, ALTAIR unstraps MALIK's hidden blade and gives it to him. Soon the CARDBOARD BOX is filled with: An assortment of blades, in a range of shapes and sizes; a crossbow; a small pistol; sacks and pouches of ammunition and belts of throwing-knives; and a pile of deceptively innocent-looking wrist bracers. 

EVERYONE sits down.

TEODORA: Now. Malik, Altair - you have been finding it... difficult to work together in Jerusalem. Would you care to tell us why?

MALIK: With pleasure. 

MALIK: Altair is insufferably arrogant, careless and foolhardy. Never before have I had the displeasure of working with a man so incompetent.

ALTAIR: Malik has always to be right. In all the time I have known him he has never once admitted to an error.

MALIK: Our creed contains three concepts - _three concepts_ \- and yet, he cannot remember a single one of them!

ALTAIR: He mocks my rank, disregarding my years of loyal service, not to mention my ability. I became master Assassin at twenty-five years for a reason, but Malik believes himself superior to everyone around him.

MALIK: When 'everyone around me' consists of you, novice, I think that is justified. He does the precise opposite of what I instruct him to do, simply because it is I who told him to do it. He eats and sleeps in my bureau every night he is in Jerusalem but never so much as tidies the cushions when he leaves. He falls into my fountain after his missions and bleeds in it. When he arrives he makes enough noise to wake the dead, but when he leaves he does so without a word.

EZIO stands up.

TEODORA: Ezio, where are you going? Please take your seat.

EZIO: It seems I am in the wrong room. Mi dispiace, Sister - I was sent for anger management, not marriage counselling.

He walks to the door, slipping a piece of paper into TEODORA's hands as he passes.

TEODORA: *crumpling the paper* I have no use for your hotel room number, Ezio. *she looks at him calmly.* Sit. Down. That is an order.

EZIO: *raising his eyebrows and smirking* Sister. *He resumes his seat, trying to catch TEODORA's eyes. She ignores him.*

MALIK: He never thinks before he acts. Never! He is incapable of learning from his mistakes, and believe me, there are enough of them to learn from.

DESMOND: He's the queen of the harpies.

LUCY: *in a chain-smoker's drawl* No I'm not.

DESMOND: Queen of the harpies!

DESMOND and LUCY break off into fits of giggling. EVERYONE ELSE looks confused. ALTAIR glares at DESMOND, flexing his left hand.

DESMOND: *Realising Altair is looking at him, his laughter dies abruptly.* ...It's an, um. It was... just a reference. 

ALTAIR says nothing, but continues to stare at Desmond from beneath his hood.

DESMOND: Sorry.

LUCY snorts with laughter, then covers her mouth with her hand.

TEODORA: *With a taut smile* ...Shall we move on?

TEODORA: Ezio, my son. From the loss of your father and your brothers, I sense you still carry a great deal of anger with you.

EZIO: You are right. I do.

TEODORA: *Surprised* It is good that you know this, and can say so. Do you feel the tension in your body?

EZIO: Oh, yes. *He smiles seductively.* I have such aches and pains, Sister...

TEODORA sighs.

LEONARDO: Ezio. I do not believe you are treating this constructively. Teodora is trying to help you.

EZIO: *To TEODORA* Are you going to ask me how I felt, when I stabbed Uberto Alberti nineteen times in the chest? Because I felt _good_. 

EZIO begins to shake. LEONARDO rests a hand on his shoulder.

EZIO: I do not understand what you expect me to say.

DESMOND: How about this, Ezio? How about, "I've been repressing my emotional reaction to the deaths of three of the people closest to me for... hoo, a good thirteen years now, and instead of talking to someone about my problems, I decided to stab a few dozen people in the throat, and intersperse all that good wholesome murder with loads and loads of meaningless, anonymous sex. No real man needs to actually deal with any of this 'emotion' crap after all; all we need to do is kill and fuck, so I thought I'd bury it all so I didn't have to face it, and just let some poor sap five hundred years later uncover it all and have to live through it and remember it every day of his l-

EVERYONE is staring at DESMOND.

DESMOND: Uh, sorry. You go ahead, Ezio.

Suddenly, the room DISSOLVES, revealing itself as a construct of the ANIMUS GRID. The black of space stretches on to infinity. 

ALTAIR: What sorcer-

A DISEMBODIED VOICE: SHUT - UP!

EVERYONE looks around in CONFUSION.

A GLOWING HUMAN FORM wavers into shape before the Assassins.

SUBJECT 16: Shut up. No, all of you, just shut the fuck up. You think you're all pissed off? Well, you're giving me one motherfucker of a headache listening to your bitching. You want to know who has the right to be pissed off? Huh? I've been floating around in here for a couple years now, and let me tell you something, it gets just a liiittle boring in here not having any kind of physicality to play with. Nope, it's just ones and zeroes, all the way, from here to fuckin' eternity. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't even take a dump - you'll miss it when you can't do it, I promise you - and most of all, I will never get laid again, ever. *He laughs, the sounds echoing around the Animus environment.* Most people'd go a little crazy, know what I'm saying? Lucky I'm not most people! 

EZIO: Fortunate, indeed...

SUBJECT 16: Can it, Auditore. You annoy me. You all want to know why I brought you here? Well, here it is, people. When I'm not spending my time - oh wait, sorry, that's ANOTHER concept that doesn't exist for me - when I'm not devising ways to dumb-down my cryptic puzzles enough for Desmond here to solve them without giving away our entire database to any fifteen-year-old hacker who happens to be passing through my network, I'm watching you idiots fuck up your lives! And I've had enough of it. You all arrived here with that special someone, okay? Work it out! Altair, you're an asshole; Malik, you're a whiny little bitch. You're perfect for each other. Ezio - yes, you're gay. It's not that bad. Leonardo - yes, Ezio is gay. Just make sure you don't catch something. Lucy, I don't know what the hell you see in Desmond, but whatever. Apparently that thing where you were resetting all the bridges and shit under Monteriggioni wasn't obvious enough for you, so. I officially confirm that he likes you too. Go to it. And all of you, for fuck's sake stop bothering me with all your God-damned angst! It seeps up here like your neighbour's cigarette smoke. Oh, and thanks Teodora, you've been singularly useless.

TEODORA: I'm not a clairvoyant! I run a brothel!

SUBJECT 16: Thank you for your attention, folks - we're done here. You may now return to your regular timelines. 

(They do.)


End file.
